The relationship between our fears and others

How we show up for others impacts their ability to handle fear.

I haven’t written for a few days and I have a sense of discomfort. I’m all about using what I’m learning, so let’s break this down and see what’s really going on.

First, feel the feeling and give it a name.

• I feel this the strongest in my stomach, it’s a bit unsettled and tight as I type this.

• I’ll call what I’m feeling in this moment as “guilt” or maybe “disappointment”.

Next, I notice the thoughts coming from the “monsters”. If you’ve ever seen the movie Inside Out, you’ll be able to visualize how I think about this.

They’re saying things like:

• People are going to be disappointed and maybe they’ll never read anything from you again.

• You haven’t lived up to your commitment writing daily, way to screw that up.

• It’s ok, you’ve had a lot going on and you’ve intentionally prioritized work. It’s not that you haven’t been thinking, exploring, or talking about it and that’s good progress.

• You might not hit your deadline since you haven’t made significant progress.

You get the picture. It’s mostly negative, with a hint of positivity. Then I ask myself what’s really going on here? What’s driving these thoughts? For me, this is where I find my first fear and that’s the fear of being rejected, not being good enough, and letting people down. These are all related. This fear is an expression of one of our foundational fears of ego death. Anytime our sense of self is threatened, we go into a similar flight/flight/freeze state just like if there was a threat to our physical self. And we get stuck.

Now that I know I’m not physically going to get hurt or die (phew!), I can make a better choice. And so today I chose to write! While this all might sound silly and look very trivial, this is what we deal with on a daily basis. I bet there’s at least one thing you’re holding back doing today because of fear. If we’re not in touch with our current state and what’s driving our actions, we’re not able to show up for others.

I was lucky enough to interview the head of a pediatric palliative care unit this week. Her group’s job is to take care of kids and their families who are dealing with a long-term diagnosis or condition that might lead to death or come with tremendous amount of pain. They help the kids and families live as comfortably as possible during these hard times. One of the hardest parts of her job is to tell the family for the first time about the diagnosis and what that means for them. Can you imagine going up to a 10 year old and their family knowing you have to break the news that they have cancer and that it’s terminal? It’s unfathomable to me. Talk about confronting fear on a daily basis. She told me that the key to doing it with grace is getting in touch with her thoughts, feelings, and emotions so that she can regulate.

This serves two functions. The first is protection for herself. All kinds of not great biological things happen to us when we’re in heightened states of stress. And second, she does it for the patient and the family. If she’s triggered, it’s more likely they will be as well. This heightened state of stress has been shown to turn off significant functions in our body. Our listening changing, our focus shifts, we become more reactionary and so on because our bodies are focused on survival. Self regulating more effectively, through breath work or meditation, allows her to show up for the people who really need her the most and it helps her push past any fears or blockers she might have.

I’m finding that having partners greatly boosts our ability to overcome our fears and one of the best ways to show up for others as a great partner is to make sure you’ve got the skills to remain present and calm so that you can give them maximum support. We explored lots of other topics that will be in the book, including when she went through a major career change and what fears show up for parents. I’m excited to share more in the future.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading and sticking around. You can always count on me to write about my fears, reflections on the topic, and sometimes a combination of the two. It just might not be daily :)

Find some time today to get in touch with one of your fears and let me know what you learn. Have a great Friday!

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Email me with inspiration or ideas for people to interview for the book (adhofmann@gmail.com)